I'm Not Ready

I know there are so many mommas in this world that feel the tug to get pregnant when their baby turns one. There are also a lot of mommas who have had their kiddos 2-3 years apart from each other. And then you’ve got me, I am the type of momma that is very content with my family of three. Before our daughter, my hubby and I talked about having two children and having them be only 2-3 years apart. But this past month I had a pregnancy scare, my period was 5 days late. I love my daughter with all that I am and would go through everything all over again to have her. The thought of another baby, though, terrifies me and leaves a trail of questions…..

How can we afford another baby right now? What will we do if I end up in the hospital again and the baby has to stay in the NICU? What will we do with Allie, my hubby can’t stay with me when our daughter needs him at home? What if my postpartum is as bad or worse with the next baby? How will I manage being pregnant with a toddler not to mention keeping both a toddler and an infant alive?

And after all of these fear-based questions comes the wave upon waves of guilt. I am an awful, horrible mom to have such fear around bringing another life into this world. How dare I not meet the news of another baby with tears of joy like I did Allie. How would this child feel to know that their sister was met with such joy at every turn and they were met with anxiety and fear?

Then after all of this, I am met with the peace of knowing, that if I were pregnant, everything would somehow work out because God is in control. I wouldn’t be left alone to figure it all out. God would comfort me in my fears and doubts with love and abundant grace as He has in every season. So, though I am not pregnant, and am grateful not to be in this current season. I trust that if I am called to have another baby, everything will be okay and will work out somehow. 

If you are a momma like me that doesn’t feel the tug from your heart and/or ovaries to have another baby shortly after your current child turns one that is okay. Though society may have a different view. I can’t count the number of times I have been asked when baby number 2 is going to be here or If I am ready for the next baby. And I trust that everyone asking these types of questions aren’t trying to be pushy, but in those moments it doesn’t always feel that way. Especially when the news that I am content with my family, is not met with approval. Please know the decision to grow your family is one between you, your hubby, and God. And as hard as it is to practice this in real time, let the opinions of everyone else be weightless. Everyone has a right to their opinions, but you decide which opinions get to hold any weight in your life.