The other night about an hour or so after I had fallen asleep I heard our daughter crying for me. I rolled over and tapped on my hubby’s shoulder to ask him, “Is that her crying?” He responds with sleep filled gibberish that I can’t understand. So, I get up as I do and go to our daughter who is crying and very unhappy. Teething, these dang molars, just come in already! 

Our daughter has many amazing traits and has the option to be a million things. And right now in this season, she is very unpredictable. Almost to the point of being predictable. Does that make sense? Here are a few examples if it doesn’t. 

I don’t know about you but by the time we've completed baby girl’s bedtime routine and she has fallen asleep one of two things happens to me. Either I crash and go from feeling like I am going to conquer so much stuff that night to sitting on the couch mindlessly scrolling through social media or binge watching a show. Or I am overcome by chest tightening anxiety that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Both of these reactions seem to be driven by the fact that I am pushing down my own emotions/feelings throughout the day in an attempt to not be reactionary towards Allie. How am I supposed to help her learn how to regulate and put words to her emotions, when I haven’t figured out how to do that while actively being a parent. I learned years ago that I am not in control of how others choose to react or respond to a situation but I am in control to how I choose to respond in a situation, so when something comes up that triggers an emotion that is not in alignment with the situation, I put it on my mental pushpin board to deal with it later. Now that worked so well for me while I was working. But that is not working for me now in being a parent. Taking care of our baby girl is more than a full-time job and touches every part of who I am. So trying to put a mental push pin into the moments that make me feel like my reaction to a situation isn’t lining up, leaves me with an overfilled board that is falling over by the end of the day. That many items to deal with between 7:30-10:00 pm is just too much. In these few remaining hours before I attempt to go to sleep, hoping that baby girl sleeps through the night, I have a hubby who I want to spend time with, dishes to do, prep for tomorrow, and the list goes on and on. I really don’t have the time to sit and just process, well cry it out, for hours. Not to mention this cycle is leaving me emotionally and physically exhausted and not in the best headspace for those nightly wake up cries from Allie. 

As my daughter's first birthday was approaching I, like many moms, began to plan her birthday celebration! And the many plans I had for her birthday theme and style quickly went out the window due to our tight financial situation due to us honoring the call for me to stay home full time. So I prayed, and I know that sounds silly to pray about how to decorate for a birthday party, but there isn’t anything that I don’t reach out to the Lord for in prayer. My Mimi used to tell me how she would pray for the Lord’s assistance in the big things and the small things like trying to get the clasp on her bracelet connected. She would say there isn’t anything Jesus doesn’t want to hear from us about. So I talk(pray) to Him all day long. It’s an ongoing conversation and a constant request for Jesus to be a part of my day. As well as a reminder to be intentional to do the Lord’s will and not my own. As I’ve said before all I know is that I know very little, though that wasn’t always the case. When I was younger my catch phrase very much was “I know!”

After Allie was born a friend of ours came over for a visit and one of their first comments were about our home. How there wasn’t a space within it now that was not touched by us having a baby. And boy was that true then and even more true now that she is mobile. The home that was crafted with so much care has gone through a major makeover. You can’t throw a stick within our home and not hit something that belongs to our daughter. In the living room we’ve got toys and board books scattered all over the floor. Then you’ve got a bin of toys/distractions in our office/guest room. You’ve got her nursery. The guest bathroom with her tub, bath toys, and poop inspo wall. Don’t worry the pictures are printed in black and white while in sparkly frames, so it is very tasteful. Let’s move on to our bedroom, where there are rogue toys scattered everywhere. Then there's our closet where you can find a nose sucker and a ball within my hubby’s boots, because why not. Within the kitchen, if the multiple cabinet doors being left open isn’t enough of a giveaway, we’ve got mixing bowls, pots and pans, along with at least 3 pieces of a bottle displayed on the floor. Last but certainly not least is the dining room where there is a high chair and a floor that was clean, when it was cleaned.

Before we had our daughter I thought that I was a pretty selfless person. Boy was I wrong. One of the hardest transitions in becoming a mom for me is how much I have to die to myself every day. There is no such thing as going to the bathroom alone, let in peace. I don’t think I have sipped and enjoyed a hot cup of coffee in its entirety since our daughter has come home from the hospital. I regularly question how many times it is safe to rewarm coffee once milk has been added. I can’t count the number of times I have almost peed my pants since becoming a mom and not because I have a bladder control issue but because my need to pee disappears the second Allie needs something and then will reappear with a vengeance making me do the run slash shuffle pants

As Allie is nearing her first birthday I can’t help but look back on what we were doing a year ago. And how thankful I am that she and I made it through her birth. I know that I’ve mentioned in a previous post that Allie spent some time in NICU after she was born. I feel that on the celebration of her upcoming first birthday, I should share our story on Allie’s grand entrance a year ago.

I know there are so many mommas in this world that feel the tug to get pregnant when their baby turns one. There are also a lot of mommas who have had their kiddos 2-3 years apart from each other. And then you’ve got me, I am the type of momma that is very content with my family of three. Before our daughter, my hubby and I talked about having two children and having them be only 2-3 years apart. But this past month I had a pregnancy scare, my period was 5 days late. I love my daughter with all that I am and would go through everything all over again to have her. The thought of another baby, though, terrifies me and leaves a trail of questions…..

This may not come as much of a surprise to ya’ll but I am an extrovert/ambivert. For most of the seasons of my life I love to be around people. Being with people for the most part brings me so much joy and energy it’s ridiculous. However, when my struggle with anxiety is high, being around people drains me and it is something that I will try to avoid at all costs. With all the wonderful post-partum hormones and feeling like I don't fit in my own skin anymore, I have definitely been more introverted. I am much happier to just stay home, in my pjs, being braless than I am going out and interacting with adults.

I am not sure if I have mentioned that our daughter spent the first few weeks of her life within NICU while I was only a floor away in a room of my own for a majority of her stay. The labor and delivery I planned on was not at all what took place but that is a story for another time. I am sharing this background to set the stage for the amount of anxiety I had when we finally were able to bring our daughter home. I prayed every time I laid her down to sleep that the Lord would keep her breathing. I was a terrified ball of contained anxiety waiting to explode the first weeks of Allie being home. During one of our many nighttime feedings Allie gave me the biggest scare due to her trying to figure out her balance/strength while leaning away from me. She went a little too far and felt like she bent straight in half. She was crying and I was freaking out running my hands all over her to make sure that there were no broken bones sticking out. And of course she was perfectly fine and recovered immediately with some snuggles, kisses and a good feeding. 

My baby is going to be one soon and I am just not ready. I am not ready for my baby to become a toddler, not that I could stop her though. I keep asking her to slow down just a little bit, not enough that she becomes stuck but just enough that it gives me a little more time to hold onto my baby. Please understand that I absolutely love watching Allie’s personality develop and her experiencing this world for the first time. It is amazing to watch her discover a new texture and learn new skills. But it is also breaking my heart to see the little girl that once looked so small in my arms barely fit now. 

Hi, my name is Morgan and I have anxiety. How are you today?