This may not come as much of a surprise to ya’ll but I am an extrovert/ambivert. For most of the seasons of my life I love to be around people. Being with people for the most part brings me so much joy and energy it’s ridiculous. However, when my struggle with anxiety is high, being around people drains me and it is something that I will try to avoid at all costs. With all the wonderful post-partum hormones and feeling like I don't fit in my own skin anymore, I have definitely been more introverted. I am much happier to just stay home, in my pjs, being braless than I am going out and interacting with adults.
And though I could stay home, that ultimately wouldn’t be good for my mental health. Being trapped within the same four walls day after day would cause the walls to close in. So this past week I was treated to a night out to dinner with some friends. Unfortunately now when I am anxious instead of just trying to become one with the floor; all I want to do is start singing sight word songs that I sing to Allie throughout the day or start describing all the objects around me in great detail. Doing this babyless would clearly get me a trip to a very nice white facility with a matching white coat. This leads to my mind having a great internal debate with one version of myself screaming for us to get it together and just be as normal as we possibly can, while the other is stomping their feet wanting to go home to snuggle up with our baby!
This internal debate causes me to freeze and apparently revert to years of going to corporate happy hours. Because the other night at Galintine’s dinner with a mixture of friends that I’ve had for years and some new faces, I shook the hand of every new person I was introduced to. Like, “Hi, I am Morgan from the Stay at Home Organization! Here is my business card, let's get together soon for coffee!” And because I have to pee all the time now, shortly after this interaction I had to run to the bathroom and as I was sitting in the stall, all I kept saying was, did you really just shake their hands? Like what?!?!?! You are a hugger and if you don’t want to hug someone then just smile and for the love of all that is good and holy, you don’t shake their HANDS!
I reluctantly left the bathroom, because if I tried to hide in there my friend would definitely come and pull me out. I’d like to say that the rest of the evening went smoothly and it didn’t seem like this was my first time having dinner out of the house, but no… Once we got seated, it just got worse. My conversation topics revolved around my baby, nursing, or just stopping mid-sentence because my brain decided the word I was just about to use was no longer available. Which wouldn’t be too bad if I was at a table with other moms because we all get that. But I was the only mom, and a quarter of the table were in their mid-twenties! I just wanted to crawl under the table and eat there for the rest of the evening.
Instead, by the grace of God, I said to everyone, “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to adult anymore. Since my daughter has come into the picture, my life revolves around her and I am still trying to figure out who I am now.” And that changed my internal mind-set for the rest of the evening. I no longer felt like I needed to fit into who I used to be before Allie and this also gave me permission that it was okay to not know fully who I was in this new season. I have been striving so hard to get back to who I was before Allie that I haven’t let myself grow into who I am now that I am a momma. I loved who I was before I found out I was pregnant and throughout my whole pregnancy I kept saying when this season has passed, I’ll get back to normal. I am still waiting on normal and it’s been almost a year. Who I was though, is not who I am becoming. I am a momma and maybe one day I’ll be able to sit at a dinner table with seasoned friends and new ones and be able to start a conversation that doesn’t involve pregnancy or lactation. But for right now that isn’t the case and that’s okay. Being able to be transparent about that fact helped me so much. The voices in my head calmed down and I got to be present which led to a really good dinner.
This struggle could very well just be a me issue and that is completely okay. However, very rarely in my life are the struggles I face, solely mine alone. God has used all my struggles in some way or another to help others. It is okay to not feel like yourself right now in whatever season you are in during this motherhood journey. You are growing and developing into another beautiful version of yourself. Embrace this new season with lots of laughter and a disclaimer that you don’t know how to adult if that helps take off the pressure so you can be present. It’s okay to grow and change throughout this life, that is actually a really great thing. Not super fun to go through or necessarily enjoyable but so so good. Don’t let this season of growth steal your peace or prevent you from experiencing life. Peace is a gift of the Holy Spirit and one that cannot be taken away by the trials and tribulation, don’t let the lies tell you anything different.
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Thank you for sharing your story, Morgan. I needed to read this today. It was a wonderful way to seal my night.
This is so helpful. I definitely completely space out mid conversations and the “squirrel” feeling is constantly there, even when I’m alone at home with Madi! Love you so much bestie. Thank you for being so vulnerable and creating a safe place for mamas in all stages of motherhood ♥️