Hi, my name is Morgan and I have anxiety. How are you today?
This anxiety I have fought against, struggled with, and prayerfully laid at the Lord’s feet for years only increased when becoming a momma. Years before bringing my daughter home I have done the countless hours of counseling to add the tools of truth to my belt so I can best work my way through the mind racing anxiety that steals the very breath out of me. One of my biggest struggles in bringing about my own anxiety is that I believe I could somehow prep and think through what I would do if my biggest fears became a reality. I have to be very careful of the rabbit hole of what-ifs my mind can wander down. Honestly playing out these scenarios of my biggest fears and how I would react in said situation gives me a false sense of peace. Walking through these scenarios gives me a false sense of control because I am really good at going through all the potential options and loopholes. What these what-if journeys actually bring about is increased anxiety in the bucket loads. The rational side of me that knows this to be true went flying right out the window with bringing my baby into this world. It doesn’t help that the natural supplements I normally take to help me with anxiety I haven’t taken since we decided we were ready to extend our family. I had no idea the fear that would be unlocked in bringing our daughter into this fallen world.
I had heard from my sister-in-law before having my daughter that having a child is like having a part of your heart on a string outside of your body. The empath in me thought I understood what it would feel like to have my heart outside my body but I had no idea….AT ALL! I so badly want to protect Allie with all that I am. I would do anything to protect her without a second of hesitation. So in my postpartum, hormonal state I felt like it would be a great idea to start playing out all the scenarios that could happen to my defenseless baby who relied solely on my husband and I to protect her. And since I stay home with her, I feel that even more of her protection falls on my shoulders because I am with her a majority of the time. Once again that lie whispered to me, “The best way to protect your daughter is to play through your worst fears so at least you can be prepared.”
That is the absolute biggest and worst LIE! Playing through these scenarios has only brought me to tears and terrified to even leave my home to take our daughter for a walk around the block. For the first couple months of her life I barely took her out on walks by myself during the day. I was terrified by all the what-ifs, the walls felt like they were closing in. There was the part of me saying over and over again that Allie has been entrusted to us but she ultimately is God’s daughter and He already knows the course her life is going to go down. That I have to surrender our daughter at His feet because that is the only place that I would find the peace that surpases all understanding to guard my heart and my mind. (Phillippians 4:6-7) In surrendering I am not only deepening my trust in God and who His word says that He is, but also trusting in who God has said that I am. If one of the scenarios the fear still brings to the surface on a daily basis were to become a reality I have to trust God is already there and would be walking alongside all of us. I still have to surrender these fears over to God on a daily basis. There is nothing that I can do to prepare for the multitude of ways that something could happen to our daughter. This world is fallen, people are broken, and bad things happen everywhere. There is not a place or a way that I can fully protect my daughter. What I can do is be the best mom to her that I can be and living in fear was stealing away my ability to do that. I can’t be a momma that is full of laughter, smiles, and joy if I constantly play fear filled scenarios through my mind every day. So I try every day to spend time with Jesus through a devotional, worship music, and inviting Jesus to be present in every moment of our days. There is peace in knowing that God is always before me, always with me, and forever before me and that helps me to be present with Allie. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
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