It Just Is

My baby is going to be one soon and I am just not ready. I am not ready for my baby to become a toddler, not that I could stop her though. I keep asking her to slow down just a little bit, not enough that she becomes stuck but just enough that it gives me a little more time to hold onto my baby. Please understand that I absolutely love watching Allie’s personality develop and her experiencing this world for the first time. It is amazing to watch her discover a new texture and learn new skills. But it is also breaking my heart to see the little girl that once looked so small in my arms barely fit now. 

As with all season changes in my life it is a mixture of excitement and sadness. I used to meet seasons of change with anger, fear, and a massive amount of resistance because I was comfortable and knew what was. And that made change unbelievably hard for me. I would stay stuck in places that weren’t good for me because they were known. Through building a closer relationship with Jesus and trusting His plan over my own, plus a good amount of counseling I learned to push through the fears that came with change, however seasons of change still come with tears. 

When I met my husband I was so excited to be in a relationship and was ecstatic when we got engaged but as our wedding day got closer I was in tears. I remember sitting with Zach crying and saying to him, I love you so much and I am so excited that I will be called your wife soon but I am also so sad that my season of being in my little one bedroom apartment and only having to plan/answer for myself is over. I told him that my tears were in no way a reflection of me not wanting to marry him, just sadness of a chapter in my life closing that would never be again. And while pregnant the weeks before our daughter arrived I had the same crying session saying how much I loved our daughter but was so sad that it wouldn’t be just us anymore and when it would be just us again it wouldn’t be the same. And as I sit here typing today I am in tears again because I am so excited to watch Allie grow but am so sad that her being a baby will be no more. 

There have been so many changes in my life over the last 5 years and the advice I was given years ago around feelings is the same when it comes to change. My first counselor told me that feelings just are, feelings are not good or bad because feelings just exist. It is how you react or respond to feelings that can put a good or bad label to the feelings. And I have applied that same wisdom to change. Change is not good or bad, change just is. It is how one reacts or responds to change that can bring about good or bad labels. 

I can’t stop nor would I truly want to stop my baby from growing up in the curious, talkative, loving, and straight up feral toddler that she is going to be. It is also okay for me to cry my tears at the season change that is fast approaching because as hard as it was surviving the newborn/infant season of life it was filled with so many wonderful moments. As with most seasons of becoming a momma this again is a mixture of emotions and that is perfectly okay. 

So if you are a momma like me that meets each new season or change with tears that is okay. It is okay to be excited for what is coming while also mourning over what will be no more. Let the tears flow while joyful looking to what is next.