She Hates Me

Many years ago, I was a preschool teacher and I remember hearing so many mom’s ask me why their child behaved so much better at school than at home? And I would tell each mom that a child behaving better at school was normal and a good thing because it meant their child felt safe enough to explore/push the boundaries at home.

What I didn’t know a lifetime ago, is how that felt as a mom. For me it feels like my daughter hates me at times and loves to be with everyone else more than me. I am the one she tries, pushes, and pitches a fit for the most. She even has a specific cry, whine that is just for me; she doesn’t use that sound on anyone else. And though I understand that this is a good sign, that it means she feels safe and loved enough at home with me to push every livin one of my buttons…it doesn't make the sound track in my head stop playing the lie that my daughter would be happier with anyone else. It doesn’t make her pushin my buttons any easier to respond to, correct, or redirect during the day. Honestly when I have been told that Allie giving me the hardest time is a good thing, I respond with, “Oh, lucky me!” 

To all the mom’s that I said this boundary pushing behavior was a good thing without understanding what you were going through on the other side of that behavior, I am sorry. It being a good thing doesn’t make it any easier to go through or really give the validation that I am at least looking for. I want to hear the evidence that my daughter does love me, not just to hear that this behavior means she feels safe because to me that means I am going to be dealing with the worst behavior from my daughter for all the seasons of her growing up. And that quite frankly is daunting and disheartening. I want to have the evidence of her love pointed out to me because that is what I can use to fight the lies that play over and over again, especially on the days where it feels like I’ve been in the ring with her. I want to hear how Allie looks for me when I go away, even for a few minutes to use the bathroom alone. I want to hear how I am the one she gives the most kisses to. I want to hear how she reaches out for me when she is crying even though she is being held by her dada. I want to hear how she snuggles me the most and that just seeing my face helps calm her down when she is upset. Those are the truths that I need to hear when I am questioning my daughter's love on those long hard days of her pitchin all kinds of fits.

If you are like me and have the lie playing over in your head that your baby doesn’t love you, send that lie away with the light of the truth. Scripture says, where there is truth, darkness must flee! I know that I am unable to give you specific examples of how much your baby loves you because I am not a part of your day to day lives so I encourage you to ask someone you trust and feel loved by to help point out the deep love that your baby has for you. Build that arsenal of truths because this journey of motherhood is hard enough without the additional baggage brought on by lies.