Red Rage

People told me before having the baby that I didn’t know what tiredness, sleep deprivation, or running on nothing would be like until my daughter was born. And man were they right, I had no idea how little sleep I could function off of. I learned that I can run on barely any sleep for days and days. My husband and I talked about what our game plan for sleep would look like with a newborn in our home before Allie came home. For us we decided it would be best if we each got a few, four hours, of sleep every night. I know that what this looks like is different in everyone’s home and for you that can go a day or days without solid sleep I am in awe of you because I do not know how you do it. 

I learned quickly that I do not do well being woken up after falling asleep if it has been less than 3 hours. During the time that my hubby would be having his 4 hours of sleep, I had to stay awake because being woken up after just falling asleep brought out deep rage or a river of exhausted tears that had me feeling that I wasn’t at my best to be around my baby let alone holding her alone in the wee hours of the morning. The rage that I would feel towards my sweet daughter was a red rage, where everything I see is red and I feel like I am not in control of my actions or reactions in a situation. Before my daughter I had experienced red rage but only a handful of times and a majority of those were in my high school days and early twenties. I remember crying out to the Lord to please take the rage I was feeling against my daughter away because I knew that her cries, constantly waking up, being gassy, or having a hard time latching were all normal behaviors that baby’s have. I knew she wasn’t personally yelling at me or rejecting me, though that is what each of those moments felt like. And no matter how much I prayed the rage that would have me waking my husband and handing over my daughter would not go away. In my sleep deprived state I would plead with the Lord to please take away this rage because I didn’t know where it was coming from so I didn’t know how to make it stop. 

I hated that I had such rage against my daughter and felt so guilty that as her mom I didn’t feel like the safest place for her to be. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t control my anger, maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a mom. I so badly wanted a child but maybe it wasn’t what was best for our daughter. I didn’t want to pass onto my daughter the pain and hurt that I experienced growing up, but this rage felt like I would be leaving the same scars on her heart that I have. It wasn’t until I started counseling for postpartum, at the loving encouragement of my husband and sister, that I began to understand that the rage I was feeling wasn’t being caused by my daughter but me mirroring what I experienced as a young child. My counselor encouraged me to pray for revelation instead of removing the rage that I felt and to see what memories came to the surface when I did. And a lot of memories came to the surface when I started praying for revelation instead of removal. With each revelation that rage that was triggered by my daughter’s cry, waking up, etc would go from a rage that I couldn’t control to an anger that I would feel but not act on. The mom guilt that came with the rage ceased because even in my moments of anger, I could still hold my daughter with love and care for the most part. I still have moments where I need to hand Allie to her dad because I need a moment to regulate my emotions and I can’t do that when holding her. Although she is almost a year old, with each new level comes new behaviors that still trigger the rage and the pleading prayer for revelation to understand where that rage is coming from. I am beyond grateful for my hubby and my support system that is helping me through these seasons and that despite the intense rage I have felt no harm has come to my beautiful daughter.

If you are a momma that deals with rage like I did, you are not alone. I hope that in reading this post you feel seen. I can’t say what is causing your rage because in the hormonal roller coaster of having a baby, the sleep deprivation, dying to yourself, and having such a small life be so dependent on you the cause of the rage could be from anywhere. I would encourage you that if you are experiencing red rage to meet with a counselor or therapist to help uncover what is the source of that fire within. I also encourage you to talk to another mom friend because chances are pretty high that she also had moments of rage in bringing her newborn home. I know for me, just being heard by another mom and having a level of understanding in what I was going through helped so much, got a little bit of the crazy out of my head and removed a touch of the mom guilt. If you are the first of your friends to have a baby or feel that ashamed in sharing with your friends, you are welcomed to send me a message, us mom’s have to stick together to survive the demented unicorn that is motherhood.