I don’t know about you but by the time we've completed baby girl’s bedtime routine and she has fallen asleep one of two things happens to me. Either I crash and go from feeling like I am going to conquer so much stuff that night to sitting on the couch mindlessly scrolling through social media or binge watching a show. Or I am overcome by chest tightening anxiety that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Both of these reactions seem to be driven by the fact that I am pushing down my own emotions/feelings throughout the day in an attempt to not be reactionary towards Allie. How am I supposed to help her learn how to regulate and put words to her emotions, when I haven’t figured out how to do that while actively being a parent. I learned years ago that I am not in control of how others choose to react or respond to a situation but I am in control to how I choose to respond in a situation, so when something comes up that triggers an emotion that is not in alignment with the situation, I put it on my mental pushpin board to deal with it later. Now that worked so well for me while I was working. But that is not working for me now in being a parent. Taking care of our baby girl is more than a full-time job and touches every part of who I am. So trying to put a mental push pin into the moments that make me feel like my reaction to a situation isn’t lining up, leaves me with an overfilled board that is falling over by the end of the day. That many items to deal with between 7:30-10:00 pm is just too much. In these few remaining hours before I attempt to go to sleep, hoping that baby girl sleeps through the night, I have a hubby who I want to spend time with, dishes to do, prep for tomorrow, and the list goes on and on. I really don’t have the time to sit and just process, well cry it out, for hours. Not to mention this cycle is leaving me emotionally and physically exhausted and not in the best headspace for those nightly wake up cries from Allie.
So, I started praying and seeking Jesus to try and figure out ways that could help me deal with my feelings and would help me to not be thrown off or reactionary around Allie during the day, as best as possible. And what I got might sound a little crazy… I felt that verbally reminding myself, yes saying out loud, that Allie is only 1 and that she isn’t trying to upset me or push every last one of my buttons has been helpful. Allie’s world is growing and she is going to explore the safety lines that her dad and I have drawn within our home. That is TOTALLY normal and what should be expected as these little nuggets grow and their worlds expand. My baby is also not trying to cause me physical or more importantly emotional pain when she pulls my hair or tries to bite me. She isn’t aware of the painful memories tied to that for me. She is learning how to communicate, and no hair pulling and biting aren’t the ways to express your dislike in a situation. But learning how to use her words and not her body is something that takes time. I mean I haven’t met a child yet that came out of the womb with the ability to fully communicate with their momma. Have you?
I verbally have to remind myself that my baby is only one and she is right where she is supposed to be. Then take a deep breath and also remind myself that it’s okay to have past memories brought up while raising my daughter. Healing and recovery from past pains takes so much time. I was asked once to draw a bunch of squiggly lines that were all connected and on top of each other because that is what it looks like to heal and unravel the past pain. It wasn’t a straight shot from recognition to healing but a process and one that would require grace, patience, and time. I am in a new season and new memories are coming to the surface and the known ones I am viewing them differently now that I am a momma, and that is okay.
This by no means is a perfect fix for every moment that is hard during the day. Sometimes we just gotta go outside and just be. Other times it’s putting some worship or 90’s country music on and just dancing together. Every day being a momma looks so different and I trust that we all are just doing the very best we can. And sometimes we need to have a few extra tools in our tool belt that help with the stressors that come from being a present momma. If you aren’t sure what could help you in those hard moments, pray, I have no doubt that Jesus knows exactly what would be best for you in those moments.
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