Before we had our daughter I thought that I was a pretty selfless person. Boy was I wrong. One of the hardest transitions in becoming a mom for me is how much I have to die to myself every day. There is no such thing as going to the bathroom alone, let in peace. I don’t think I have sipped and enjoyed a hot cup of coffee in its entirety since our daughter has come home from the hospital. I regularly question how many times it is safe to rewarm coffee once milk has been added. I can’t count the number of times I have almost peed my pants since becoming a mom and not because I have a bladder control issue but because my need to pee disappears the second Allie needs something and then will reappear with a vengeance making me do the run slash shuffle pants
off move down the hallway. I miss the ability to take a shower in the morning and not have to either rush through it because Allie is waking up or stick my head out every few minutes because I think I hear her crying. I also miss being able to do a full shower every day and blast my music loudly. I think I shave and wash my hair once a week, maybe twice.I seriously didn’t think one bit about how much dying to self would be involved in becoming a mom. I don’t remember being warned or told about how hard that would be. Maybe folks did tell me and I just brushed it off thinking that wouldn’t apply to me and I am so sorry if that’s the case because it definitely applies to me. My whole world has changed and is changing because we brought our wonderful little
girl into it. The person that I was before Allie doesn’t exist anymore and I don’t believe she will be coming back. I have to let that version of Morgan go and embrace all of who I am growing into now that I am mom. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to let a part of me go because my life was changing, I had to do the same thing when I married my husband. For some reason though, letting go of the version of my pre-mom self has been so very hard. I loved who I was before being a mom. I felt like I was a really good person who could be there for those she loved in a blink of an eye and now that isn’t an option. How I support people looks so different because my daughter’s needs and what works best for our family comes first. I know that it may sound silly to struggle
with that but I do. I love that I see people and can just be with them in all their seasons. I am the person that will cry with you in seasons of sadness and will rejoice in the season of joy. And though I still have that ability, it is done now more over the phone because I can’t drop what I am doing and show up with food and a good bottle of wine. I have a baby and a family that needs me and that responsibility comes first. After about a year now into this change it is getting a bit easier and I feel less guilt at doing what is best for my family. I am also seeing how being there for the ones I love, even if it is only by phone is still being there. I have to adjust my expectations of myself and embrace who I am becoming versus trying to fight this transition. Being entrusted with Allie and getting to be her momma is one of the biggest honors in my life. I trust that who God is growing and shaping me into through this season will be one that I will love just as much as the other versions of myself. God created me with such care that I have to trust His plan and stop fighting what I think I want. Who am I to debate with the creator of the universe? I don’t know the number of hairs on my head or what tomorrow holds, God does. That is a truth that I will sit in as I continue to embrace this change because God knows what He is doing all the time.
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You’re going an incredible job♥️ You’re so selfless Morgan and the fact that you still show up for people, even if it looks different now, is way more than enough ♥️