I will never forget the first scratch that Allie got. It was a small scratch, maybe a quarter of an inch long that went across the center of her forehead. I was trying to wipe milk or a crumb from my snack off her head and in the process my nail scratched her. I instantly began to panic. We had a visit to the pediatrician the next day and my mind was racing with thoughts of the pediatrician seeing Allie’s forehead and then looking at me with their finger raised, chastising me for what an awful mother I was. And asking me questions like…

Right before my hubby and I decided to not prevent ourselves from getting pregnant my grandma, Mimi, died. She lost her war against cancer, though she won many battles along the way, the last battle she was too tired to fight, so God called her home. I struggled with her death and with God telling me it was time for her to go home, because I wasn’t ready. To be fair, there wouldn’t have been a time that I would have been ready. I would have kept my Mimi here with me as long as possible, but going home to heaven, to no longer be in pain or having to continue fighting against cancer was what was best for her and was not about me. And though it has been a few years since she passed, I still miss her like crazy and have the urge to call her while driving home from the grocery store. 

The other night I woke up around 1-2 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep to save my life. I doomed scrolled on my phone for a little over an hour before I decided to get up, grab my book and go read on the couch. As I was sitting in our dimly lit living room I began to read and the chapter was all about mom’s not having to do it all. I got only a couple of pages into the chapter before I put down the book and just began to cry. Sitting alone in my living room in the early morning hours, I just ugly cried. I cried because in that moment I felt invisible and like I was fading away. I felt like all I was good for within my home were the tasks I completed each day and nothing more. I felt like if my family were to wake up in the morning the only reason they would notice I was gone would be due to the coffee not brewed and Allie’s cup of milk unpoured. So I sat there and I cried and prayed. I knew deep down what I was feeling wasn’t true but I just didn’t have the energy to fight the way I was feeling. 

I have a little confession to make… I have been very hesitant and resistant to making any new mom friends since having Allie. Between postpartum and trying to figure out who I am now that I am a mom, I just didn’t have any desire to try and be social. I already have a really great circle of friends. Why would I need more? Plus making friends as an adult is hard enough, without having to attend to the needs of a new baby or chasing after a toddler. Not to mention the thought of trying to connect with another mom, made my anxiety go sky high and had my brain kicking out a ton of weighted questions like…

The other morning my hubby got to witness what happens to me when I hear our daughter cry. He watched how quickly and immediately I woke up at the sound of her cries and it amazed him because I am the woman that can sleep through the blaring of my alarm. I can’t count the number of times my hubby has turned off my phone because the alarm is doing nothing to wake me. But the second I hear our daughter, I am up and out of bed. Th is of course is not how my hubby wakes up to the cries from our daughter, he has a more relaxed pace about it. He will check the monitor to see if she is trying to resettle and if she is, lay back down, waiting for her next cry to check again. And only when he is sure that she is really awake will he get up, use the bathroom, go start warming her bottle, and then get her from her crib. I have to be honest, this routine drove me crazy and still does on occasion. 

The other day I was at a library with a new mom friend and she was asking me about Allie’s birth and all that I went through. In having that conversation it got me thinking about all the grand plans and visions I had in raising this beautiful little girl. 

A few months ago, maybe 4, we had a shooter incident near our home. And it completely rattled both myself and my hubby. When we bought our home it was only the third house on the street and we are still surrounded by woods on all sides. Just this week I had a Bobcat, Golden Eagle, snakes, opossums, and bunny rabbits in our yard. Like we are out in the sticks kind of rural, but where the grocery store is still only 5 minutes away. So when we came home that Thursday night from having dinner with my hubby’s family and saw the block up from us full of flashing red and blue lights and taped off, we were beyond shocked! After we put Allie to bed we heard from our neighbor that a person who only lived one block down and up from our home started walking up and down their street that evening and was shooting a gun off into the air. We also heard that there may have been shots fired off at the folks who lived on that street but we are not 100% certain of that. We do know when the Sheriff's office arrived to contain the situation, they were shot at immediately. 

Maybe this is just a me thing, and if it is, that is completely okay… 

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mommas out there! If you are like me, then I am sure you have days where you feel that what you do, day in and day out, as a momma goes unnoticed. So I am here today to say thank you. Thank you for pouring out into your family, even though your cup is empty. Before Allie I  would tell people often that you can’t pour from an empty cup and in becoming a mom, I realize that is wrong. 

Before our daughter was born I imagined the kind of dad my hubby would be. I could see him loving our children just as strongly as he would be goofing off with them. I could see my hubby squatting down to be at eye level with our future children to explain the situation in a way that they would be able to understand. I could also envision him and the kiddos ganging up on me to play harmless pranks. In all of my envisioning of the future, nothing comes close to the reality that I see today. The way my hubby loves our daughter blows me away. As a woman who was raised by an alcoholic father there is a type of healing that takes place in my heart seeing just how much my husband love’s Allie. I know my dad loves me, that is something I haven’t questioned. I have questioned how someone could love you and still cause such pain. As an adult and having my own personal experience with a food addiction, I can understand that addictions make people behave in ways they wouldn’t normally. My dad loves me to the best of his ability and the core of who my dad is outside of the addiction is an amazing man. However, those two facts don’t heal the hurt. I never could have imagined seeing my husband put the well being of our daughter first and doing what was best for her, even when it’s hard, would bring that healing. 

The other night about an hour or so after I had fallen asleep I heard our daughter crying for me. I rolled over and tapped on my hubby’s shoulder to ask him, “Is that her crying?” He responds with sleep filled gibberish that I can’t understand. So, I get up as I do and go to our daughter who is crying and very unhappy. Teething, these dang molars, just come in already! 

Our daughter has many amazing traits and has the option to be a million things. And right now in this season, she is very unpredictable. Almost to the point of being predictable. Does that make sense? Here are a few examples if it doesn’t.