I know there are so many mommas in this world that feel the tug to get pregnant when their baby turns one. There are also a lot of mommas who have had their kiddos 2-3 years apart from each other. And then you’ve got me, I am the type of momma that is very content with my family of three. Before our daughter, my hubby and I talked about having two children and having them be only 2-3 years apart. But this past month I had a pregnancy scare, my period was 5 days late. I love my daughter with all that I am and would go through everything all over again to have her. The thought of another baby, though, terrifies me and leaves a trail of questions…..

This may not come as much of a surprise to ya’ll but I am an extrovert/ambivert. For most of the seasons of my life I love to be around people. Being with people for the most part brings me so much joy and energy it’s ridiculous. However, when my struggle with anxiety is high, being around people drains me and it is something that I will try to avoid at all costs. With all the wonderful post-partum hormones and feeling like I don't fit in my own skin anymore, I have definitely been more introverted. I am much happier to just stay home, in my pjs, being braless than I am going out and interacting with adults.

I am not sure if I have mentioned that our daughter spent the first few weeks of her life within NICU while I was only a floor away in a room of my own for a majority of her stay. The labor and delivery I planned on was not at all what took place but that is a story for another time. I am sharing this background to set the stage for the amount of anxiety I had when we finally were able to bring our daughter home. I prayed every time I laid her down to sleep that the Lord would keep her breathing. I was a terrified ball of contained anxiety waiting to explode the first weeks of Allie being home. During one of our many nighttime feedings Allie gave me the biggest scare due to her trying to figure out her balance/strength while leaning away from me. She went a little too far and felt like she bent straight in half. She was crying and I was freaking out running my hands all over her to make sure that there were no broken bones sticking out. And of course she was perfectly fine and recovered immediately with some snuggles, kisses and a good feeding. 

My baby is going to be one soon and I am just not ready. I am not ready for my baby to become a toddler, not that I could stop her though. I keep asking her to slow down just a little bit, not enough that she becomes stuck but just enough that it gives me a little more time to hold onto my baby. Please understand that I absolutely love watching Allie’s personality develop and her experiencing this world for the first time. It is amazing to watch her discover a new texture and learn new skills. But it is also breaking my heart to see the little girl that once looked so small in my arms barely fit now. 

Hi, my name is Morgan and I have anxiety. How are you today?

Many years ago, I was a preschool teacher and I remember hearing so many mom’s ask me why their child behaved so much better at school than at home? And I would tell each mom that a child behaving better at school was normal and a good thing because it meant their child felt safe enough to explore/push the boundaries at home.

People told me before having the baby that I didn’t know what tiredness, sleep deprivation, or running on nothing would be like until my daughter was born. And man were they right, I had no idea how little sleep I could function off of. I learned that I can run on barely any sleep for days and days. My husband and I talked about what our game plan for sleep would look like with a newborn in our home before Allie came home. For us we decided it would be best if we each got a few, four hours, of sleep every night. I know that what this looks like is different in everyone’s home and for you that can go a day or days without solid sleep I am in awe of you because I do not know how you do it. 

Very early in my pregnancy I started to describe being pregnant to everyone as a demented unicorn. There were parts of being pregnant that were absolutely magical to me. Hearing my daughter’s heartbeat for the first time, how she would move within my belly, kick her daddy’s hand off my belly when he cramped her space too long, and the instant love that I had for her once I found out that I was pregnant; all very magical and wonderful parts for me of being pregnant.