The other morning my hubby got to witness what happens to me when I hear our daughter cry. He watched how quickly and immediately I woke up at the sound of her cries and it amazed him because I am the woman that can sleep through the blaring of my alarm. I can’t count the number of times my hubby has turned off my phone because the alarm is doing nothing to wake me. But the second I hear our daughter, I am up and out of bed. Th is of course is not how my hubby wakes up to the cries from our daughter, he has a more relaxed pace about it. He will check the monitor to see if she is trying to resettle and if she is, lay back down, waiting for her next cry to check again. And only when he is sure that she is really awake will he get up, use the bathroom, go start warming her bottle, and then get her from her crib. I have to be honest, this routine drove me crazy and still does on occasion. 

The other day I was at a library with a new mom friend and she was asking me about Allie’s birth and all that I went through. In having that conversation it got me thinking about all the grand plans and visions I had in raising this beautiful little girl. 

A few months ago, maybe 4, we had a shooter incident near our home. And it completely rattled both myself and my hubby. When we bought our home it was only the third house on the street and we are still surrounded by woods on all sides. Just this week I had a Bobcat, Golden Eagle, snakes, opossums, and bunny rabbits in our yard. Like we are out in the sticks kind of rural, but where the grocery store is still only 5 minutes away. So when we came home that Thursday night from having dinner with my hubby’s family and saw the block up from us full of flashing red and blue lights and taped off, we were beyond shocked! After we put Allie to bed we heard from our neighbor that a person who only lived one block down and up from our home started walking up and down their street that evening and was shooting a gun off into the air. We also heard that there may have been shots fired off at the folks who lived on that street but we are not 100% certain of that. We do know when the Sheriff's office arrived to contain the situation, they were shot at immediately. 

Maybe this is just a me thing, and if it is, that is completely okay… 

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mommas out there! If you are like me, then I am sure you have days where you feel that what you do, day in and day out, as a momma goes unnoticed. So I am here today to say thank you. Thank you for pouring out into your family, even though your cup is empty. Before Allie I  would tell people often that you can’t pour from an empty cup and in becoming a mom, I realize that is wrong. 

Before our daughter was born I imagined the kind of dad my hubby would be. I could see him loving our children just as strongly as he would be goofing off with them. I could see my hubby squatting down to be at eye level with our future children to explain the situation in a way that they would be able to understand. I could also envision him and the kiddos ganging up on me to play harmless pranks. In all of my envisioning of the future, nothing comes close to the reality that I see today. The way my hubby loves our daughter blows me away. As a woman who was raised by an alcoholic father there is a type of healing that takes place in my heart seeing just how much my husband love’s Allie. I know my dad loves me, that is something I haven’t questioned. I have questioned how someone could love you and still cause such pain. As an adult and having my own personal experience with a food addiction, I can understand that addictions make people behave in ways they wouldn’t normally. My dad loves me to the best of his ability and the core of who my dad is outside of the addiction is an amazing man. However, those two facts don’t heal the hurt. I never could have imagined seeing my husband put the well being of our daughter first and doing what was best for her, even when it’s hard, would bring that healing. 

The other night about an hour or so after I had fallen asleep I heard our daughter crying for me. I rolled over and tapped on my hubby’s shoulder to ask him, “Is that her crying?” He responds with sleep filled gibberish that I can’t understand. So, I get up as I do and go to our daughter who is crying and very unhappy. Teething, these dang molars, just come in already! 

Our daughter has many amazing traits and has the option to be a million things. And right now in this season, she is very unpredictable. Almost to the point of being predictable. Does that make sense? Here are a few examples if it doesn’t. 

I don’t know about you but by the time we've completed baby girl’s bedtime routine and she has fallen asleep one of two things happens to me. Either I crash and go from feeling like I am going to conquer so much stuff that night to sitting on the couch mindlessly scrolling through social media or binge watching a show. Or I am overcome by chest tightening anxiety that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Both of these reactions seem to be driven by the fact that I am pushing down my own emotions/feelings throughout the day in an attempt to not be reactionary towards Allie. How am I supposed to help her learn how to regulate and put words to her emotions, when I haven’t figured out how to do that while actively being a parent. I learned years ago that I am not in control of how others choose to react or respond to a situation but I am in control to how I choose to respond in a situation, so when something comes up that triggers an emotion that is not in alignment with the situation, I put it on my mental pushpin board to deal with it later. Now that worked so well for me while I was working. But that is not working for me now in being a parent. Taking care of our baby girl is more than a full-time job and touches every part of who I am. So trying to put a mental push pin into the moments that make me feel like my reaction to a situation isn’t lining up, leaves me with an overfilled board that is falling over by the end of the day. That many items to deal with between 7:30-10:00 pm is just too much. In these few remaining hours before I attempt to go to sleep, hoping that baby girl sleeps through the night, I have a hubby who I want to spend time with, dishes to do, prep for tomorrow, and the list goes on and on. I really don’t have the time to sit and just process, well cry it out, for hours. Not to mention this cycle is leaving me emotionally and physically exhausted and not in the best headspace for those nightly wake up cries from Allie. 

As my daughter's first birthday was approaching I, like many moms, began to plan her birthday celebration! And the many plans I had for her birthday theme and style quickly went out the window due to our tight financial situation due to us honoring the call for me to stay home full time. So I prayed, and I know that sounds silly to pray about how to decorate for a birthday party, but there isn’t anything that I don’t reach out to the Lord for in prayer. My Mimi used to tell me how she would pray for the Lord’s assistance in the big things and the small things like trying to get the clasp on her bracelet connected. She would say there isn’t anything Jesus doesn’t want to hear from us about. So I talk(pray) to Him all day long. It’s an ongoing conversation and a constant request for Jesus to be a part of my day. As well as a reminder to be intentional to do the Lord’s will and not my own. As I’ve said before all I know is that I know very little, though that wasn’t always the case. When I was younger my catch phrase very much was “I know!”

After Allie was born a friend of ours came over for a visit and one of their first comments were about our home. How there wasn’t a space within it now that was not touched by us having a baby. And boy was that true then and even more true now that she is mobile. The home that was crafted with so much care has gone through a major makeover. You can’t throw a stick within our home and not hit something that belongs to our daughter. In the living room we’ve got toys and board books scattered all over the floor. Then you’ve got a bin of toys/distractions in our office/guest room. You’ve got her nursery. The guest bathroom with her tub, bath toys, and poop inspo wall. Don’t worry the pictures are printed in black and white while in sparkly frames, so it is very tasteful. Let’s move on to our bedroom, where there are rogue toys scattered everywhere. Then there's our closet where you can find a nose sucker and a ball within my hubby’s boots, because why not. Within the kitchen, if the multiple cabinet doors being left open isn’t enough of a giveaway, we’ve got mixing bowls, pots and pans, along with at least 3 pieces of a bottle displayed on the floor. Last but certainly not least is the dining room where there is a high chair and a floor that was clean, when it was cleaned.

Before we had our daughter I thought that I was a pretty selfless person. Boy was I wrong. One of the hardest transitions in becoming a mom for me is how much I have to die to myself every day. There is no such thing as going to the bathroom alone, let in peace. I don’t think I have sipped and enjoyed a hot cup of coffee in its entirety since our daughter has come home from the hospital. I regularly question how many times it is safe to rewarm coffee once milk has been added. I can’t count the number of times I have almost peed my pants since becoming a mom and not because I have a bladder control issue but because my need to pee disappears the second Allie needs something and then will reappear with a vengeance making me do the run slash shuffle pants